If World War 1 was a Bar Fight

bar fightGermany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit, (whilst working out who is the biggest threat to the power of the British Empire. Ed)

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany, too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany.

Austria punches Russia.

Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over.

Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there.

Turkey punches Russia in the back of the head when Russia isn’t looking.

Britain and France tell Turkey that’s not on and once they’ve sorted Germany out Turkey’s next.

Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia and New Zealand punch Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings though because Britain made them do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting.

Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered.

Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault.

While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

This article was sent in by Garry Harriman, author unknown.


  1. Alphonse Gabriel says:

    New scenario, Nato in the pub gets punch drunk with russia and argues about the Krim, Russia knock,s the vodkas back and pay,s no attention to the little squicking from Nato.Prompt Nato takes a swing at russia ,and russia retaliats….

  2. Dave says:

    Brilliant analysis!

  3. Malcolm Samuel says:

    Very aptly put……. Were they all drinking Absinthe too?

  4. Garry says:

    This was sent to me from my much beloved Uncle and mate who served for 37 years in the RAF and attained the rank of Warrant Officer (promotion in the RAF, more so in certain trades and the chance to take a commission is not modeled on the British Army) and who served indirectly (as an MT tech) and directly as a member of 2 SQN RAF Regiment (para) in many conflicts and campaigns of the post war era.

    He is a patriotic man, highly intelligent and a very proud of the UK military. He is thus probably reluctant to join VFPUK, however, he shares many of the views and opinions that VFP members subscribe to. He is also a socialist at heart and a humanist as well as very much loved and respected person and the father that I never had.

    He shares our outrage at the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the motives for them and, like me, a hatred for all of those neocons in the USA that got their way after their 8 years of wildness when Clinton held on to his presidency despite a strong attempt to unseat him both by them and his own weaknesses. A stolen election form Al Gore and the vision of the PNAC brought to where we are now and a new 21st century geopolitical stance in the last days of the oil age.

    This email was shared amongst many of his ex military comrades and was sent to me and I sent it to Ben Griffin. Like Black Adder Goes Forth, this bar fight scenario is very close to the underpinning characteristics of the human condition that led to this terrible event.


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